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Oh all the fun i could have

Using a bunch of empowered vampires.



And yeah, just because you aint it

And havent seen it

Doesnt mean they dont exist.



I guess they are a rarety

But so are witches and magicans



I kmow i probably shouldnt talk

And tell but more than half of you

Wont believe in anyways :),



I seen it, found whay i could do with it

Want to, go further

Straigten my crown and puppet it.



Psychopathic behavior

In the mids of humanity

Either that or the other

Cus this devil was not once an an

Angel, she still is.



And i guess its just wish thinking.

I dont give a fuck cus its fun.

Just like winning the lotto.

Im just rambling..



Just like leaving notes for a bigger puzzle.



Im 1 and 2 and 3 and 4





It seems i only write when ive smoked

Hmm



Crazyhead

Mh ja i dont even hide it anymore.



Impulsiveness.

For the first time in my life i think.i really want someone

Just for the benefits of it..



But not someone, nor anyone

I mean, i dont know who.

But i want it.



Thats annoying.



But how cool it would be.

To meet someone you could actully benefit from

Like how on hell earth would i find that?

Wise, awesome an succesful.



To help me reach my full potential.

Instead of dragging me down.

And no, im no goldigger.

I dont want to be financialy supported

I want actual love



Just for the benefits of it

For love with no benefits

Is just pain



Words of a psychopath

Or atleast that just 1 of me.

Impulsive ramblings.

She glanced at him not able to hold back the tears in her eyes.

Not expressing much but lost hope.



So you're telling me

That though i just spend 3 months in and out of the facility

Getting clean and taking tests and talkig with psychologists and psychiatric not to mention, since i was 11

With all your diagnoses and well knowing what traumatised people like me end out to be

Well knowing what ive done

Cannot help me because i self medicate and smoke weed and hash

Because im not strong enough to maintain not to for long.

Not.to mention that you guys cant medicate my mental issues

But the issues that follow.

Great.

Thats just great.







She got up, looked at him

Took on her jacket and straightened herself



I hope you realise that youre the crazy one.

You just let a dangerous person go unattented into a pretty fucking shit situasion.

She moved back to the table. Sat down again.

Leaned forward. Looked him deep in the eyes

I want you to know that right now in a matter of seconds, could smack your face down this table right now. and feel perfectly.good about it, like really good, as in relief. And the only reason that havent happend. Is because youre pretty fucking lucky to be where you are at.



She got up.

And went out the door





:)

I love horrocore..



Thats it.

Never have i been this alone.

Its definently not healthy.

Its a real fucker that crazy woman like me

Cant keep people 😶

And if we do, we end up damaging them

And ourselves.



Sad truth

It sounds pathethic

Look.it up

Its a fact



I guess only super smart

Overbearing

People with alot of knowledge in psychology

Would know how to handle me in a healthy way.

Not to mention

Very determined to want to keep knowing me



And that is, alot to expect from someone

When im really not that likeable at times :D



Baaaaaah.



I got serious work ahead of me if the suffering shall bear fruit

I dont wanna be alone but nor do i feel i am ready to let anyone in

Im starting to think i am but a walking problem

A ticking time bomb just waiting to go off

Wondering what will become of me, if any.



Im so so messed up inside and starting to realise that

I have to do my own healing.

Cant depend on anyone which i nor ever have

But have desperetly needed it

My upbringing and early life created a mess

To say the least

And i yet cant seem to help myself, ive been aware of this for long

And its a battle everyday, im not build to handle more

Chaos darkness and pain but i do hold it.

At some point itll come out the cracks.



And this

Is the impulsive product of it.





It is confusing to be so opposite myself

Its creepy to know and feel and BE, as evil

And good at the same time

Its a fuckery to be alone with all my brain contain

Being so different.

And have reached a point where nothing i say makes sence cus i got so much in the brainflow that its difficult to come out with.

Something strange happend with me at my last sleep

These days i tend to numb the world with the usage of hashish.

This results in no sleep dreams and most certanly after a longer period of use.

But this time i dreamt.

I had been doing the hash all day and half of the night and juat wanted to go cold (fall into sleep),

And i woke up today havig dreamt of my mother putting her hand to her chest and her heart stopping and she fell to the ground.



I.hope this is fear.

I really really hope this aint a prediction.

I kind of feel like i have to tell her?

Cus she had dreams that came true

Ive had dreams that came true

I try to blank out the dreams with this hash

And im wondered it werent working this time

Its been 5 years since all the memories came back

10 years since the actual event happened

Now i cant seem to forget it

8 years since my own awakening began



Did i have to die to become this?

My heart is still beating

Even though you noticed the iregularity of it



I was just a kid

In the claws of a vampire



This is my story.



To be continued.